"Don't tase me, bro!"

This story is absolutely hysterical and i thought a good way to mix it up a little on the blog. I got it through e-mail from a friend at work. I don't think i've ever laughed so hard... well at least as far as e-mail forwards go. Hope you enjoy it as much as i did.

BTW, don't fret. This in no way means i'm done telling my own story nor have i chosen to refrain from pontificating. I'll be back to my old blogging ways soon enough. Stay tuned!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

Have i gotten your...

attention yet? If not, i'll keep working on it.

If so, i've made some adjustments to the "The truth sounds so much better" post and some slight adjustments to the following post "So far so good?" If you pick up on the changes, kudos. Some are more obvious than others.

Thanks again for your attention.

oslo

Liars vs. Homos- The Battle Royal!

Why is lying a more commonly accepted and tolerated practice than homosexuality? Is lying a trait that you're born with like color blindness or flat-footedness? Is it hereditary? Is it built into a person's DNA?

Before i go any further, i don't mean to imply that i have never told a lie or that you can't be both homosexual and a liar. In fact, most homosexuals by virtue of their own desire to be accepted, are probably lying about their sexuality. And i don't mean just avoiding the subject altogether. I mean going out of their way to prove that they're straight. Some to the point where they come across as more straight than most "genuinely" straight guys. You know the type. Guys who banged (or supposedly banged) 3 chicks at once and tells all of their other straight guy friends all about it. Guys who are at the club every night hittin' on every chick they see. Guys who read Playboy and Maxim religiously. Guys who ultimately sometimes end up with girlfriends or wives and/or end up having kids. All the while these guys are fantasizing about a guy they've been checkin' out or seeing. Am i talking about any guy(s) in particular? Maybe... but those guys know who they are if so. (No names y'all. This ain't no tabloid blog!)

I digress.

Why do people accept liars more easily than they would accept a homosexual? Although the jury is still out on whether homosexuality is born in an individual or chosen, lying, it would seem to me, is obviously a choice. It is an option people choose if they are too afraid of the consequences of being honest. Sure you could argue that because everyone lies that there is a certain level of empathy for fellow liars. I think that's total bullsh!t! No one likes to be lied to and that's pretty d@mn universal as far as i'm concerned. What's worse is to know someone is lying to you and they still won't admit it. Some people would rather take a lie to the grave than to come clean.

Now i don't mean to sound condescending or holier than thou, but c'mon now! How ridiculous is the number of lies people tell? Our society has deteriorated to a point where no one trusts what anyone else says nowadays. You can't take another human being at face value anymore? Does that not outrage anyone else?!

Ever since i made the announcement 3 weeks ago, i've been on a real honesty rampage. I've always considered myself trustworthy. I'm trying to take trustworthiness to a whole new level. It's a challenge to say the least, but i'm ready, willing and able. I will be as diplomatic as i possibly can, but don't be surprised if you get smacked... in the face with the truth. If you're a trustworthy individual (which most of you are), you've got nothing to worry about with me. If you're one of those liars though, get ready for a battle because this guy's tired of your sh!t!

Oooooooo............... what's next?!

So far so good?

Not quite sure what to write today. I guess i should start out by saying that my friends for the most part have been very supportive of me and my recent decisions. Just about everyone has said that it doesn't change anything and that they are proud of me for taking this step in my life. There were a few who were surprised, but most everyone else seemed to have at least some idea.

I do want to say though that i didn't want this to come as a surprise to anyone. I tried as hard as i could to not live a lie. I went out of my way not to project a false image to friends or strangers for that matter. Unfortunately though, not everyone picked up on the hints and clues i left. My apologies to those taken completely by surprise and are upset about it. It wasn't my intention to mislead you, but i guess there isn't much i can do about it now. To you folks i say so be it. If you can't get over it and can't bare the thought of being my friend or having any association with me whatsoever, so be it. You are making that choice just the way i've made mine. A bientot. Maybe our paths will cross again.

For those of you who are genuinely interested in keeping up with this saga, i hope to update this blog weekly so please feel free to check back in periodically for updates. One caveat though. There will be blog postings that are completely unrelated to this story so be mindful.

Thanks again for your attention. I know how time consuming reading blogs can be!

laters,
oslo